The Art of Compromise Exploring the benefits of a give and take relationship

The Art of Compromise
Exploring the benefits of a give and take relationship...
by Jennifer Good

Many people mistake the act of compromise as selling-out or giving in. Compromise to them means giving up something. In actuality if you stay true to the real definition of compromise you will gain a relationship free of petty battles. You will learn how to co-exist in a loving and appreciative way.

So, what does compromise actually mean? According to Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary it means, "A settlement...by mutual consent reached by concession on both sides..." The key words here are mutual consent. It can't be a true compromise if one partner doesn't feel it is mutual. The act of compromise by definition indicates that both partners take an active role in finding a solution. This cannot be done if one or both partners are angry. When beginning to address an issue with your partner you should adhere to the following steps:

Note: It may be a good idea to let your partner know ahead of time that you have some ideas about a certain situation, and you'd like their insight and help with it. This can help set the tone for positive, non-accusatory discussions. Agree beforehand that if at any time either partner feels angry or upset about the issue you can come back and talk about it at a later date.

1. Talk about the situation openly and calmly with each other. Explain what that situation is to you, and how they feel about it. Then, have your partner do the same.

2. Agree to take turns talking out the compromise. This will allow each partner to fully discuss his or her ideas. Do not interrupt your partner during this time.

2. TALKING OUT THE COMPROMISE:

3. Depending on who goes first, decide what possible outcomes or solutions would be acceptable to you. Take a look at it from your partner's viewpoints and decide if these solutions would be fair to them. What do you feel your partner wants from the situation? Revise your outcomes or solutions around what would still be acceptable to you, but also accounts for your partner's best interests.

4. The next partner should now follow Step 3.

Note: Solutions to your problems will vary. For example, if the issue is that you don't feel you are sharing the workload around the house, your compromise could be: "If you do the dishes, I'll cook dinner."

5. Agree on a "DOABLE" compromise. Don't take one step forward only to fall two steps behind. A compromise should be considered a promise. You don't want to have one partner following through with their promises, and the other lagging behind. That will only create a relationship filled with resentment.

6. Agree on a future time, right then and there, to talk about things that may come up. Ideally, you'll want to agree on a date a week in advance. It is crucial for any relationship to have "us" time to talk through issues or problems you may be having. You'll find a weekly check-in date will help dramatically decrease the amount of flair-ups in your relationship.

Compromise is a way of helping each other find a solution that benefits both people. When you start looking at solutions to your problems this way you can't help but gain a happier relationship, which in turn creates a happier you!

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/

The Art of the Apology

The Art of the Apology
by Jennifer Good

The Art of the ApologyLet's face it, we all make mistakes. It's probably pretty fair to say that we don't like to admit it either. However, an apology is not just an admission of a wrong doing, it's an admission that we understand that we unintentionally caused an upset in our partner's life. It's about communicating that you're not so caught up in yourself that you don't realize the effect you have on your partner.

When the time comes for you to make an apology, use these simple principles to make your amends.

1. Make the apology about them, not you.
How often have you heard an apology start off with an excuse? When you are giving reasons for your behavior you're not showing your partner that you care about their feelings. You're actually communicating that you are worried about yours. Make sure your intent isn't to get the focus off of you.

2. Listen to what your partner is upset about, and then acknowledge it.
It's difficult to listen to negative things being said about ourselves. However, if we hope to bridge the gap, we need to listen in order to understand our partner's point-of-view. Once you know what has caused the upset, be sure to acknowledge that you understand. For example, "I can see how being late made you feel like you're not a priority to me. I'm sorry that it made you upset. I should have called to let you know what was going on."

Readers say…
"We cuddle up and quietly discuss what we were fighting about, then we end up kissing and forgiving each other and we spend the rest of the day like normal." -Steve

3. Make amends.
When you've hurt someone's feelings it's important to give a little something extra back. Imagine it's like putting your apology into action. If you've caused an upset, make an effort to do something a little out of the ordinary to make up for it. Cook their favorite dinner, let them pick out what to watch on TV, or share some extra intimate time.

Readers say…
"I make up by not being so stubborn and apologizing for not compromising. Then we hug so tightly, you couldn't even fit a piece of paper between us." -Debbi

4. Handle the original problem.
If you find you are causing the same upsets with your partner it might be time for an internal look at why you are repeating actions that you know upsets them. Talk it over with your partner and try to come to some sort of compromise or solution to the situation.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/

How To Handle Your Next Conflict

How To Handle Your Next Conflict
Learning how to handle things through experience...
written by Jennifer Good

No couple can keep away from some type of conflict. Misunderstandings can easily happen. Instead of trying to avoid the conflict, or letting your tempers flair, use these guidelines to help you both maturely discuss the situation with each other.

1. Don't make your partner feel insignificant because they may have been in the wrong. Lovingyou.com (LYC) user, Melia suggests, "The way I handle conflicts with my partner is by communicating on an equal level. Allowing my partner to speak and express their side and after they are finished, express mine. Then come to a mutual agreement and move on. You can't change what has happened. All you can do is talk about how it makes you feel, and then move on from there."

2. Take time to really think things through before speaking. "I take a deep breath and take my time to think before I speak because I know how bad it feels to say things, then regret saying them after," says LYC user, Korin.

3. Don't talk about it in the heat of the moment. Don't talk about it in the heat of the moment. LYC user, Ren, suggests, "By going out to a restaurant for coffee or dinner you can talk about the problem where you know tempers can not flair." "We wait until we are not angry at each other anymore, then send an e-mail or leave a note where we both can see each it, with a date, time or place for a discussion, usaully away from home. Sometimes we meet at a hotel room, restaurant, park or the beach," offers LYC user, Denise.

4. Write your feelings out on paper. Sometimes it is easier to collect your thoughts and feelings through the written word as LYC user, Rachel, has found. "Sometimes we e-mail each other letters that we have written. It seems that we can get everything more out in the open when we take time to write it all down."

5. Take the time to really understand what your partner is upset about. Suggested by one LYC user, "Once I find out what the general complaint is, I listen for what her concerns are on the topic. If the response is not clear enough, I will probe for more details. I try to identify the source - whether internal or external - and ask for some time to rationalize whether blame should be placed inside/outside of the relationship." When you take the time to truly understand your partner's perspective, you are showing them that you respect their opinions.

6. Seek out love first. Putting your love for each other first is an ideal solution we all strive for. LYC user, Dee, offers this suggestion for attaining this, "We both made an agreement that when an issue gets out of hand, one of us draws a hot bubble bath and waits for the other one to join. It always takes us back to what is really important, our love for one another."

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/