The Art of the Apology

The Art of the Apology
by Jennifer Good

The Art of the ApologyLet's face it, we all make mistakes. It's probably pretty fair to say that we don't like to admit it either. However, an apology is not just an admission of a wrong doing, it's an admission that we understand that we unintentionally caused an upset in our partner's life. It's about communicating that you're not so caught up in yourself that you don't realize the effect you have on your partner.

When the time comes for you to make an apology, use these simple principles to make your amends.

1. Make the apology about them, not you.
How often have you heard an apology start off with an excuse? When you are giving reasons for your behavior you're not showing your partner that you care about their feelings. You're actually communicating that you are worried about yours. Make sure your intent isn't to get the focus off of you.

2. Listen to what your partner is upset about, and then acknowledge it.
It's difficult to listen to negative things being said about ourselves. However, if we hope to bridge the gap, we need to listen in order to understand our partner's point-of-view. Once you know what has caused the upset, be sure to acknowledge that you understand. For example, "I can see how being late made you feel like you're not a priority to me. I'm sorry that it made you upset. I should have called to let you know what was going on."

Readers say…
"We cuddle up and quietly discuss what we were fighting about, then we end up kissing and forgiving each other and we spend the rest of the day like normal." -Steve

3. Make amends.
When you've hurt someone's feelings it's important to give a little something extra back. Imagine it's like putting your apology into action. If you've caused an upset, make an effort to do something a little out of the ordinary to make up for it. Cook their favorite dinner, let them pick out what to watch on TV, or share some extra intimate time.

Readers say…
"I make up by not being so stubborn and apologizing for not compromising. Then we hug so tightly, you couldn't even fit a piece of paper between us." -Debbi

4. Handle the original problem.
If you find you are causing the same upsets with your partner it might be time for an internal look at why you are repeating actions that you know upsets them. Talk it over with your partner and try to come to some sort of compromise or solution to the situation.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/

How To Handle Your Next Conflict

How To Handle Your Next Conflict
Learning how to handle things through experience...
written by Jennifer Good

No couple can keep away from some type of conflict. Misunderstandings can easily happen. Instead of trying to avoid the conflict, or letting your tempers flair, use these guidelines to help you both maturely discuss the situation with each other.

1. Don't make your partner feel insignificant because they may have been in the wrong. Lovingyou.com (LYC) user, Melia suggests, "The way I handle conflicts with my partner is by communicating on an equal level. Allowing my partner to speak and express their side and after they are finished, express mine. Then come to a mutual agreement and move on. You can't change what has happened. All you can do is talk about how it makes you feel, and then move on from there."

2. Take time to really think things through before speaking. "I take a deep breath and take my time to think before I speak because I know how bad it feels to say things, then regret saying them after," says LYC user, Korin.

3. Don't talk about it in the heat of the moment. Don't talk about it in the heat of the moment. LYC user, Ren, suggests, "By going out to a restaurant for coffee or dinner you can talk about the problem where you know tempers can not flair." "We wait until we are not angry at each other anymore, then send an e-mail or leave a note where we both can see each it, with a date, time or place for a discussion, usaully away from home. Sometimes we meet at a hotel room, restaurant, park or the beach," offers LYC user, Denise.

4. Write your feelings out on paper. Sometimes it is easier to collect your thoughts and feelings through the written word as LYC user, Rachel, has found. "Sometimes we e-mail each other letters that we have written. It seems that we can get everything more out in the open when we take time to write it all down."

5. Take the time to really understand what your partner is upset about. Suggested by one LYC user, "Once I find out what the general complaint is, I listen for what her concerns are on the topic. If the response is not clear enough, I will probe for more details. I try to identify the source - whether internal or external - and ask for some time to rationalize whether blame should be placed inside/outside of the relationship." When you take the time to truly understand your partner's perspective, you are showing them that you respect their opinions.

6. Seek out love first. Putting your love for each other first is an ideal solution we all strive for. LYC user, Dee, offers this suggestion for attaining this, "We both made an agreement that when an issue gets out of hand, one of us draws a hot bubble bath and waits for the other one to join. It always takes us back to what is really important, our love for one another."

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/

Argument Guidelines

Argument Guidelines
Learning the rules of engagement...
by Jennifer Good

Anyone trying to attain a disagreement free relationship is looking for a Utopian ideal they'll never find. No matter how hard your efforts, you're going to disagree about something your partner says or does at least a few times. The attention you give to avoiding arguments would be more wisely spent learning how to make the most of a disagreement.

Many people compare life to a game that we play. If life is a game, then arguing is one tactic of playing that game. Since you know at some point you're going to be involved in a disagreement with your partner, it makes sense for you both to learn the rules of this particular area of the game. Let's face it; no one truly enjoys being upset. If you're arguing you can't be loving. These argument guidelines were created to help you discover what the disagreement is really about, handle the problem and get back to loving each other.

Listed below are guidelines you should both agree to follow. Consider them your rules of engagement.

1. Don't talk if you're too emotional about the situation.
Things you say in the heat of the moment have a way of leaving a damaging mark on your relationship. Instead of lashing out while you're still emotional, go out and take a 10 to 20 minute walk. Getting away from the situation will help you cool off and gain a much-needed new perspective.

2. Leave the past where it belongs...in the past.
It is a natural tendency to want to compare current situations to other situations that may have occurred in the past. It gives us our sense of security and pattern in life. Unfortunately, no one wants to continually be reminded of their past wrong-doings. By bringing up everything you don't like about them or what they've done, it can emotionally push your partner away from you. Who wants to be around, or open up to, someone who only makes them feel bad about themselves? Keep your disagreements about the problem you are actually dealing with at this time.

3. Take turns relaying your viewpoints.
Let one person say what is bothering them first. Then, let the other person rebuttal or give their viewpoint. Continue until you both feel like the other person has understood what you're saying. Remember though, just because your partner may not agree with you does not mean they didn't hear or understand what you're saying. The goal of a disagreement is not to bend the other person to your thoughts or side of the story. It is to come to an agreement, mutually, that benefits all people involved.

4. Try to really understand your partner's viewpoint.
It is so easy to get caught up in how we have felt wronged, that many times we forget to truly take a look at the other person's viewpoint on the situation. Really put yourself in their shoes, and see how you would have acted differently in the same situation. More often that not, you'll find after an honest look, you would have done the same thing.

5. Find a solution to the problem together.
Once you've both identified that there is a problem, and what the exact problem is, you need to come to a solution that benefits each other. To do this, each person should be responsible for coming up with a solution they feel will end the problem. Share your ideas and agree to a compromise, if needed, to the situation.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/