How To Handle Your Next Conflict

How To Handle Your Next Conflict
Learning how to handle things through experience...
written by Jennifer Good

No couple can keep away from some type of conflict. Misunderstandings can easily happen. Instead of trying to avoid the conflict, or letting your tempers flair, use these guidelines to help you both maturely discuss the situation with each other.

1. Don't make your partner feel insignificant because they may have been in the wrong. Lovingyou.com (LYC) user, Melia suggests, "The way I handle conflicts with my partner is by communicating on an equal level. Allowing my partner to speak and express their side and after they are finished, express mine. Then come to a mutual agreement and move on. You can't change what has happened. All you can do is talk about how it makes you feel, and then move on from there."

2. Take time to really think things through before speaking. "I take a deep breath and take my time to think before I speak because I know how bad it feels to say things, then regret saying them after," says LYC user, Korin.

3. Don't talk about it in the heat of the moment. Don't talk about it in the heat of the moment. LYC user, Ren, suggests, "By going out to a restaurant for coffee or dinner you can talk about the problem where you know tempers can not flair." "We wait until we are not angry at each other anymore, then send an e-mail or leave a note where we both can see each it, with a date, time or place for a discussion, usaully away from home. Sometimes we meet at a hotel room, restaurant, park or the beach," offers LYC user, Denise.

4. Write your feelings out on paper. Sometimes it is easier to collect your thoughts and feelings through the written word as LYC user, Rachel, has found. "Sometimes we e-mail each other letters that we have written. It seems that we can get everything more out in the open when we take time to write it all down."

5. Take the time to really understand what your partner is upset about. Suggested by one LYC user, "Once I find out what the general complaint is, I listen for what her concerns are on the topic. If the response is not clear enough, I will probe for more details. I try to identify the source - whether internal or external - and ask for some time to rationalize whether blame should be placed inside/outside of the relationship." When you take the time to truly understand your partner's perspective, you are showing them that you respect their opinions.

6. Seek out love first. Putting your love for each other first is an ideal solution we all strive for. LYC user, Dee, offers this suggestion for attaining this, "We both made an agreement that when an issue gets out of hand, one of us draws a hot bubble bath and waits for the other one to join. It always takes us back to what is really important, our love for one another."

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/

Argument Guidelines

Argument Guidelines
Learning the rules of engagement...
by Jennifer Good

Anyone trying to attain a disagreement free relationship is looking for a Utopian ideal they'll never find. No matter how hard your efforts, you're going to disagree about something your partner says or does at least a few times. The attention you give to avoiding arguments would be more wisely spent learning how to make the most of a disagreement.

Many people compare life to a game that we play. If life is a game, then arguing is one tactic of playing that game. Since you know at some point you're going to be involved in a disagreement with your partner, it makes sense for you both to learn the rules of this particular area of the game. Let's face it; no one truly enjoys being upset. If you're arguing you can't be loving. These argument guidelines were created to help you discover what the disagreement is really about, handle the problem and get back to loving each other.

Listed below are guidelines you should both agree to follow. Consider them your rules of engagement.

1. Don't talk if you're too emotional about the situation.
Things you say in the heat of the moment have a way of leaving a damaging mark on your relationship. Instead of lashing out while you're still emotional, go out and take a 10 to 20 minute walk. Getting away from the situation will help you cool off and gain a much-needed new perspective.

2. Leave the past where it belongs...in the past.
It is a natural tendency to want to compare current situations to other situations that may have occurred in the past. It gives us our sense of security and pattern in life. Unfortunately, no one wants to continually be reminded of their past wrong-doings. By bringing up everything you don't like about them or what they've done, it can emotionally push your partner away from you. Who wants to be around, or open up to, someone who only makes them feel bad about themselves? Keep your disagreements about the problem you are actually dealing with at this time.

3. Take turns relaying your viewpoints.
Let one person say what is bothering them first. Then, let the other person rebuttal or give their viewpoint. Continue until you both feel like the other person has understood what you're saying. Remember though, just because your partner may not agree with you does not mean they didn't hear or understand what you're saying. The goal of a disagreement is not to bend the other person to your thoughts or side of the story. It is to come to an agreement, mutually, that benefits all people involved.

4. Try to really understand your partner's viewpoint.
It is so easy to get caught up in how we have felt wronged, that many times we forget to truly take a look at the other person's viewpoint on the situation. Really put yourself in their shoes, and see how you would have acted differently in the same situation. More often that not, you'll find after an honest look, you would have done the same thing.

5. Find a solution to the problem together.
Once you've both identified that there is a problem, and what the exact problem is, you need to come to a solution that benefits each other. To do this, each person should be responsible for coming up with a solution they feel will end the problem. Share your ideas and agree to a compromise, if needed, to the situation.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/

7 Ways To Fight Fair

7 Ways To Fight Fair
by Jennifer Good

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." -Source Unknown

Don't hold back communication. You should always feel free to express an upset or talk about something you feel is wrong. Remember, it isn't WHAT you say… it's HOW you say it!

Make sure you have enough time to actually hash out your differences. If you try to stop your partner on his way to work, or you call her on your lunch break, chances are you're going to be left feeling dissatisfied and unacknowledged due to a lack of time. If necessary, agree upon a future time to discuss the matter at hand. Being considerate of your partner's time contributes to the amount of courtesy your partner will show when faced with your discussion.

Don't assume anything! It is not possible to know exactly what is going on, unless you actually hear it from your partner's perspective. Don't try to figure out what they're thinking, just ask. It can save you a lot of grief and avoid HUGE misconceptions by taking the time to just talk it over.

Don't bring the past into a current discussion. If you actually want a problem resolved you have to make your partner feel like they can actually resolve it. When you bring up the past you are communicating to them, that no matter what changes or efforts they given to improve the condition, you will still hold them accountable for past actions. Where's the motivation for improvement there?

If something is your fault, say you're sorry! Don't hold out and try to redirect the blame to something or someone else. If you broke a promise, said something you wished you didn't or did something you'd rather not confess to, it's up to you to make amends. Not only will YOU feel better about your ability to come clean, but your partner will learn to trust you more knowing you're willing to accept responsibility.

Take a timeout before things get too heated. If you feel your anger level rising, take a 15 minute timeout to gain a new perspective. Take a walk, listen to some music or do some housecleaning to help dissipate your ire.

Don't fight in front of friends or family. You automatically put the other person on guard when you enter into a major disagreement in front of others. In addition, instead of the disagreement staying a personal matter, which it should be, it now becomes open to other input. Trust me; you do not want anyone else adding in their two cents, even if it's in support of your feelings. Think about it from your partner's shoes. Would you actually give an open and honest discussion if you felt you were up against an army? Agree that you will both talk about what happened away from prying eyes and ears.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/