7 Ways To Fight Fair

7 Ways To Fight Fair
by Jennifer Good

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." -Source Unknown

Don't hold back communication. You should always feel free to express an upset or talk about something you feel is wrong. Remember, it isn't WHAT you say… it's HOW you say it!

Make sure you have enough time to actually hash out your differences. If you try to stop your partner on his way to work, or you call her on your lunch break, chances are you're going to be left feeling dissatisfied and unacknowledged due to a lack of time. If necessary, agree upon a future time to discuss the matter at hand. Being considerate of your partner's time contributes to the amount of courtesy your partner will show when faced with your discussion.

Don't assume anything! It is not possible to know exactly what is going on, unless you actually hear it from your partner's perspective. Don't try to figure out what they're thinking, just ask. It can save you a lot of grief and avoid HUGE misconceptions by taking the time to just talk it over.

Don't bring the past into a current discussion. If you actually want a problem resolved you have to make your partner feel like they can actually resolve it. When you bring up the past you are communicating to them, that no matter what changes or efforts they given to improve the condition, you will still hold them accountable for past actions. Where's the motivation for improvement there?

If something is your fault, say you're sorry! Don't hold out and try to redirect the blame to something or someone else. If you broke a promise, said something you wished you didn't or did something you'd rather not confess to, it's up to you to make amends. Not only will YOU feel better about your ability to come clean, but your partner will learn to trust you more knowing you're willing to accept responsibility.

Take a timeout before things get too heated. If you feel your anger level rising, take a 15 minute timeout to gain a new perspective. Take a walk, listen to some music or do some housecleaning to help dissipate your ire.

Don't fight in front of friends or family. You automatically put the other person on guard when you enter into a major disagreement in front of others. In addition, instead of the disagreement staying a personal matter, which it should be, it now becomes open to other input. Trust me; you do not want anyone else adding in their two cents, even if it's in support of your feelings. Think about it from your partner's shoes. Would you actually give an open and honest discussion if you felt you were up against an army? Agree that you will both talk about what happened away from prying eyes and ears.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/

8 Ways To Handle An Argument

8 Ways To Handle An Argument
by Jennifer Good

Let's face it, no one is perfect. No matter how hard you try, or how loving and respectful of a couple you are, you are bound to get into a disagreement once in a while. With a few tips though, it doesn't have to be something that can harm your relationship. The next time you feel an argument starting to form keep in mind these 8 ways to handle an argument!

1. Give your partner enough space to voice his or her concerns.
I'm sure you hate it when people interrupt you; give your partner the same respect -- even if you don't agree with what they are saying.

2. Make an extra effort to really understand what you partner is trying to say.
It is very easy to fall into the trap of thinking you know what they are saying, when in fact you may not have a clue. If your partner feels like you understand what they are saying, you'll find a way to end the argument far more quickly.

3. Don't say something you'll regret later.
Always consider your relationship like a glass. It is sturdy, tough, beautiful and clear when taken care of, but if it is mistreated or mishandled it can end up scratched, cracked or even broken. Take care in choosing the words you say when you are in the heat of the moment.

4. Don't bring in past woes.
The past is the past... let it stay there. If you dwell on past occurrences, you'll never find a solution for the future your partner will feel less loved and respected, and you will always feel negatively towards your partner. People make mistakes. Give your partner the chance to recover from them, and encourage and support them when they make the right choices.

5. Learn to compromise.
If you can learn to compromise, you'll find yourself in fewer disagreements. If you don't like something, then agree with your partner to find some middle ground. This also applies the other way. Be willing to come up with alternative solutions for things your partner doesn't like as well!

6. Realize that no matter what you say, you both may not agree on the issue at hand.
An argument is typically started because you want someone to agree with you about something. You think that the other person must not know all the facts, so you begin to explain it to them. The more your partner still disagrees with you, the more upset you usually get. But, if you realize that sometimes it is best to just let yourselves agree to disagree -- you'll show your partner that you not only respect their opinion, but respect their individuality as well. You never know, maybe later on they (or even you!) might change their mind.

7. Make a commitment to talk about the situation until it is handled.
It's far too easy to run off and avoid your partner, or give them the silent treatment. Instead, make a commitment right now to each other to respect each other enough to work it out -- even if it takes all night. Nothing is unsolvable when you are working together to truly find a peaceful resolution.

8. Make your relationship with your partner your first concern when you are in the middle of a disagreement.
This does not mean bend over backwards for them or compromise your integrity. Just keep in mind that the person you are arguing with is your best friend, lover and soul mate. If you both keep that at the forefront of your mind in an argument, it will keep what matters most away from cruel words or intent -- your heart!

Finally, I leave you with one thought on preventing arguments. Let your partner know exactly when something upsets you. I've found that many people tend to not speak up when something bothers them, thinking that it is trivial to mention it. Unfortunately, what happens is after repeated times of not speaking up, some small occurrence happens and it ends up being the straw that broke the camel's back. The other partner, more often than not, has no clue what they are upset about and therefore thinks they are over-reacting. If you find yourself in this situation, deal with each thing as it happens. Don't let things build up until you explode.

Assignment: Get a journal. Every time you see something you don't agree with or don't like, write down everything about the incident or situation. Include when, where, exactly how you feel, etcetera. Then write down at least three solutions to the problem. If you find a way for you to fix the situation on your own, do it. When you need your partner's help, find a time to sit and talk about it with them. By writing in your journal, you'll have released many of the emotional feelings surrounding the situation or incident. This will allow you to have a calm discussion with your partner.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/

Has Your Partner Changed

Has Your Partner Changed? 
by Jennifer Good

Has Your Partner Changed?It's an unfortunate event when we realize our partner may not be the same person they used to be. For whatever reason, something has caused them to look at life or your relationship differently. Is it a reason to look at ending the relationship? Or is the change something you should ignore and hope goes away? The answer really lies somewhere in between.

There are many factors that can make a person seem different than who they were. Just the process of aging can cause major shifts in attitude and viewpoints. Some people believe that once they get married or have a baby they should act in a certain way. Stress, employment changes or health problems can also cause temporary attitude adjustments.

So how do you begin to broach this subject with your partner?

First, you need to determine the cause.

Is It You or Them?
When you feel your partner has changed in some significant way, the first thing you need to do is make sure the change is actually from them. Don't make the common mistake of thinking your partner is being different when in actuality you are the one who's made the change.

Has There Really Been a Change?
Then make sure the change you perceive is actually accurate. Are you sure they weren't always that way, but now the behavior just rubs you the wrong way? Or, is their lack of attention now something you can't deal with? If you went into a relationship knowing a person was a certain way, but you internally expected that to change, you can't really expect your partner to understand why you're upset.

How's Your Life?
Life has a way of throwing things at us that we aren't always prepared for. You might have physically prepared for some event, but emotions are a little trickier to anticipate. Also, some events could trigger past emotions that were thought to be long gone. If either of you are going through a rough patch or an emotional time, give your partner a little adjustment space. In addition, do things to keep you both physically and mentally attached, such as date nights or unexpected romantic encounters.

Next, you need to discuss the problem.

This step can feel difficult for some people because by the time they realize they need to address the issue, there can be a lot of resentment or pent up emotion involved. In order to get through this, you'll need to find a way to remain objective and calm when communicating with your partner. If the change stemmed from a specific event, it would be a good starting point to deal with the unresolved issues that must still exist. If the cause was something less obvious, it probably developed as a habit.

A habit, thankfully, can be broken with a little conscience effort. When you are both able to have an uninterrupted open and frank discussion about the matter, let your partner know the about the changes you've noticed and how they are making you feel. Let them have their equal time to speak about the issue as well. It's quite possible they made their change based on a change they perceived from you. Make it clear your intention is to find an agreeable resolution not to place blame.

When you are both in agreement that a problem exists, each of you should write down or voice your ideas for solving the issue. If for example the issue is you believe you should be more intimate, maybe an agreement to set aside one night a week as "your" intimate time would be a workable solution. Take turns planning the night. If one partner has ceased being romantic, you can make an agreement to do five random "little" things each week for each other. At the end of the week, see if you can guess what each thing was.

If the changes in your partner are something dramatic such as substance abuse, gambling or other negative behaviors, schedule some time to go talk to a counselor.

Remember, everyone changes, in order to keep the relationship going, you just have to make sure you're changing in the same direction.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/