Use the power of communication for you

A Better Relationship Through Communication SkillsUse the power of communication for you!
by Jennifer Good

Ask a couple what's the one thing they'd like to improve in their relationship and more often than not their answer will be communication. It seems the thing we take most for granted, our speech, is the one thing that has the power to build or destroy a relationship. If you find communication is an area you'd like to improve in your relationship, take a few moments and read over the following tips and ideas for a better relationship through communication.

1. Communication is a power - don't abuse it.
As with any condition of power, the quickest way to ruin is by abusing it. Remember that your words have long lasting effects, even more so than you may realize. In the future, the reason why you were arguing or having difficulties may not be remembered, but the feelings and words you conveyed will be. If you feel yourself about to say something demeaning or unneccesary, stop yourself and don't say anything at all. Try other tactics like going out for a walk, writing in a journal, cleaning or doing something creative instead.

2. Communication is a power - use it!
If you have a tool that will make you the wealthest person in the world, not using it would seem to be the most absurd thing possible. The same applies to communication. By taking the time to let the person in your life know how you feel and how much you love and cherish them, you'll be taking your relationship to a new level. Both sexes love to hear how wonderful they are, and how much they are appreciated. If you're not taking the time out to tell your partner these things, then you're wasting the best tool for your relationship that you have.

3. Unspoken communication.
Have you ever watched a movie where the most powerful and moving scene was the one where no one spoke at all? Let this work for you the next time you want to truly convey your love. Spend some time everyday just looking at each other, not speaking at all. Use your other senses to express what you're trying to communicate. You might just be surprised at how much you enjoy this time together.

4. Communicating without realizing it!
Sometimes I find the moments that ended up being the most important and special to me happened when I wasn't even aware of it at the time. Create these moments for yourselves by keeping engaged in activity. Don't just sit in front of the TV and watch show after show. Play board games, listen to music, give each other back rubs, talk about your dreams, play on the computer together, go for a walk, paint a room, wrestle... your options are endless. If you haven't guessed, the point is to do something that is fun for both of you! You'll find that the more time you spend together in activites, the less time or desire you'll have for communication problems.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/

10 Communication Blocks

10 Communication Blocks
Finding out where the breaks are...
by Jennifer Good!

10 Communication BlocksCommunication is often cited as the number one problem area in a relationship. If two people understand this, and are working towards having great communication, then how can they still run into problems? The reason is there may be many unknown factors contributing to the demise of a couple's communication. In this article we'll take a look at ten possible communication blocks that may be happening in your relationship.

Language
If you or your partner speaks a different first language, there can be a lot of semantic misunderstandings that may or may not be obvious. If you feel you're not being understood, really take the time to explain what you are trying to communicate.

Culture
With the Internet helping bridge gaps across territorial boundaries that once existed, this block is more important than ever. Just because you grew up with a certain philosophy about something, does not guarantee your partner did the same. Don't assume you know what your partner is thinking of or feeling about a certain issue. If you find yourselves on different sides of a disagreement, take the time to find out why they view it so differently. It could very well be they were brought up to believe things differently. Respect their choices and try and find some common ground you can both work from.

Truth, Or The Lack Of
One of the main culprits of blocking communication is the lack of truth and honesty. This is true even if you tell yourself that it isn't dishonest if you withhold a truth. For proper communication to be established, both parties involved need to be aware of everything relevant. Otherwise, one partner is always going to be hindered.

False Pretenses
This block is pretty self-explanatory. If someone tells you they are something they are not, chances are you're going to find out about it sooner or later, and not be too happy about it.

Expectations
What are your expectations of each other? How many times have you had disagreements about what you each expect from the other? If you don't clearly lay down what you both expect from each other in the roles you play (father, mother, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) you will run into this disagreement fairly often.

Misunderstandings
The bulk of disagreements come down to one single thing, misunderstandings. One person interpreted something differently; the other assumed they understood what they were saying. If you are in a disagreement find out as soon as possible what the misunderstanding is. You'll save yourself some very unhappy moments!

History (Past Experiences)
Most people apply the philosophy of let the past be my guide. Well this is great unless your past is riddled with mistrust, abuse or any other negative experiences. Remember your partner is someone new; don't compare him or her to a past experience.

On A Pedestal
If you find yourself thinking you are better (overall) than your partner, you're setting your relationship up for failure. How is it possible to accept any communication from someone you don't have respect for?

Aloofness
How do you kill a conversation in two seconds or less? Talk to someone too aloof to reciprocate any comments. Aloofness can indicate the person has shut down on some level. If you notice your partner doing this, try asking them more self-opinionated questions such as: how do you want to handle this, or what do you really think about this? Obviously this won't work if you ask them with an obvious attitude attached.

Third Party
How can you effectively communicate with someone if you have to, in effect, talk to two or possibly more people? This is the case of someone who's been third partied. Not only do you have to allay your partner's fears or concerns, but that of someone else's--usually without even talking to them. The most successful of relationships happen when the couple makes a strong commitment to never let anyone else contribute negativity to the relationship.
Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/

Rules of Confrontation

Rules of Confrontation
by Brettani Shannon

Rules of Confrontation
Point deductions for shots below the belt, ten seconds to get up after a blow, and knock-out wins may pass for rules in the boxing ring, but they won't work at home, and certainly not in a fight with someone you love. The ground rules of love and confrontation are simple. In short, you've got to remember who you are talking to and what they mean to you if you want a chance at improving your relationship by the end of the match. Here are some rules to implement during conflicts. They will help you keep the argument in perspective and resolve issues without unneeded problems.

Remember that you’re fighting with the love of your life
Sometimes, we get so consumed with winning an argument that we forget who we are fighting with. The person standing in front of you, pushing all the wrong buttons, is in fact your favorite person in the world. You’ve got to find a way to remind yourself of that when things get rough. Just when you feel like punching them in the nose, think of how much it will hurt the one you love, and choose your words accordingly.

Keep the main thing the main thing
“Keep the main thing the main thing. If you are supposed to be talking about how you felt when you were left alone at the party, keep the conversation focused on that. Do not bring up last year’s Christmas gift or the fact that the dog was left outside last night. Focus on the main thing and see it through to a resolution. As you keep the main thing, also remain in the present situation. Maybe this has happened before, maybe many times before. Resist the urge to bring up all the times in the past when the same situation has occurred. Even in a court of law, only certain references to past behavior are allowed. Stay focused and stay in the present.”
- From "Marriage: Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness"

Recognize the little things
Once in a while, you’ve got to give yourself a reality check. If you lost your partner, would the little things that get you so riled up matter to you at all? Would you be able to sleep at night without his obnoxious snoring? Could you enjoy a movie without his incessant couch commentary? Would you miss wiping up his coffee mess every morning? Don’t allow yourself to get too preoccupied with the morbid side of this, it’s just a check-up for your jadedness to help you get in touch with what really matters.

Focus on the future
"My husband refuses to assist me with putting the kids to sleep," a woman complained at one of our workshops. To which her husband replied: "That's not true. I have never refused to help you!" "I don't know what's wrong with my wife," he continued. "She's starting to hallucinate and make up things that never happened!"
…To the couple with argument described above I put it this way: "Focusing a discussion on what happened is focusing on the past; focusing on what is the meaning for my partner of what happened is focusing on the future." This change of strategy will not only help resolve a current conflict, but is also sure to bring about a better communication between the two partners and a more positive and harmonious future."
- From "How to Agree to Disagree" by Yaakov Lieder

It is not about winning or losing
"It is our anger that gets us into a fight and it is our ego that keeps us there." People tend to go on fighting about issues even when they are no longer relevant or when their original importance has diminished. They do this for the sake of proving a point and to demonstrate that they are the winners and, more importantly, that the other person is the loser. But often the one who loses the most in the long run is the "victor" himself."
- From "How to Agree to Disagree" by Yaakov Lieder

Be present in the situation
Being present means that you make the conscious effort to tune everything else out. Turn the TV off, shake off the stresses of your work day, and most of all, forget the past. No matter how validated you feel in bringing up the last 100 times your partner did what he did, you will only be forcing a wedge of judgment between you. Your partner won’t feel loved, appreciated or respected; they will feel attacked. The only thing that comes from an attack is submission or counter-attack, neither of which help to strengthen a relationship. Try with all your might to take the current situation as a single occurrence without tying it to a string of offenses.

Those little marital irritations mean less than nothing
“Newspaper advice columns often print letters complaining about a spouse’s snoring or some other small irritation. But whenever those letters appear, they are soon followed up with letters from widows and widowers with statements like these: ‘I used to hate my husband’s snoring, but now that he’s gone, I will give anything to have him lying beside me during the night—snoring and all.” OR they write, “My wife used to nag me about my appearance. But since she died, I can see that no one cares about me the way she did.’ These people have learned that in the end, those little marital irritations mean less than nothing…”
- From "Don’t get mad over little things—they’ll soon pass" by Gerald & Helen Brown

What have we learned? That treating your partner with love and respect will pay off now and later; there is no question about it. Don't let simple confrontations over trivial issues get in the way of the big picture.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/