10 Communication Blocks

10 Communication Blocks
Finding out where the breaks are...
by Jennifer Good!

10 Communication BlocksCommunication is often cited as the number one problem area in a relationship. If two people understand this, and are working towards having great communication, then how can they still run into problems? The reason is there may be many unknown factors contributing to the demise of a couple's communication. In this article we'll take a look at ten possible communication blocks that may be happening in your relationship.

Language
If you or your partner speaks a different first language, there can be a lot of semantic misunderstandings that may or may not be obvious. If you feel you're not being understood, really take the time to explain what you are trying to communicate.

Culture
With the Internet helping bridge gaps across territorial boundaries that once existed, this block is more important than ever. Just because you grew up with a certain philosophy about something, does not guarantee your partner did the same. Don't assume you know what your partner is thinking of or feeling about a certain issue. If you find yourselves on different sides of a disagreement, take the time to find out why they view it so differently. It could very well be they were brought up to believe things differently. Respect their choices and try and find some common ground you can both work from.

Truth, Or The Lack Of
One of the main culprits of blocking communication is the lack of truth and honesty. This is true even if you tell yourself that it isn't dishonest if you withhold a truth. For proper communication to be established, both parties involved need to be aware of everything relevant. Otherwise, one partner is always going to be hindered.

False Pretenses
This block is pretty self-explanatory. If someone tells you they are something they are not, chances are you're going to find out about it sooner or later, and not be too happy about it.

Expectations
What are your expectations of each other? How many times have you had disagreements about what you each expect from the other? If you don't clearly lay down what you both expect from each other in the roles you play (father, mother, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) you will run into this disagreement fairly often.

Misunderstandings
The bulk of disagreements come down to one single thing, misunderstandings. One person interpreted something differently; the other assumed they understood what they were saying. If you are in a disagreement find out as soon as possible what the misunderstanding is. You'll save yourself some very unhappy moments!

History (Past Experiences)
Most people apply the philosophy of let the past be my guide. Well this is great unless your past is riddled with mistrust, abuse or any other negative experiences. Remember your partner is someone new; don't compare him or her to a past experience.

On A Pedestal
If you find yourself thinking you are better (overall) than your partner, you're setting your relationship up for failure. How is it possible to accept any communication from someone you don't have respect for?

Aloofness
How do you kill a conversation in two seconds or less? Talk to someone too aloof to reciprocate any comments. Aloofness can indicate the person has shut down on some level. If you notice your partner doing this, try asking them more self-opinionated questions such as: how do you want to handle this, or what do you really think about this? Obviously this won't work if you ask them with an obvious attitude attached.

Third Party
How can you effectively communicate with someone if you have to, in effect, talk to two or possibly more people? This is the case of someone who's been third partied. Not only do you have to allay your partner's fears or concerns, but that of someone else's--usually without even talking to them. The most successful of relationships happen when the couple makes a strong commitment to never let anyone else contribute negativity to the relationship.
Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/

Rules of Confrontation

Rules of Confrontation
by Brettani Shannon

Rules of Confrontation
Point deductions for shots below the belt, ten seconds to get up after a blow, and knock-out wins may pass for rules in the boxing ring, but they won't work at home, and certainly not in a fight with someone you love. The ground rules of love and confrontation are simple. In short, you've got to remember who you are talking to and what they mean to you if you want a chance at improving your relationship by the end of the match. Here are some rules to implement during conflicts. They will help you keep the argument in perspective and resolve issues without unneeded problems.

Remember that you’re fighting with the love of your life
Sometimes, we get so consumed with winning an argument that we forget who we are fighting with. The person standing in front of you, pushing all the wrong buttons, is in fact your favorite person in the world. You’ve got to find a way to remind yourself of that when things get rough. Just when you feel like punching them in the nose, think of how much it will hurt the one you love, and choose your words accordingly.

Keep the main thing the main thing
“Keep the main thing the main thing. If you are supposed to be talking about how you felt when you were left alone at the party, keep the conversation focused on that. Do not bring up last year’s Christmas gift or the fact that the dog was left outside last night. Focus on the main thing and see it through to a resolution. As you keep the main thing, also remain in the present situation. Maybe this has happened before, maybe many times before. Resist the urge to bring up all the times in the past when the same situation has occurred. Even in a court of law, only certain references to past behavior are allowed. Stay focused and stay in the present.”
- From "Marriage: Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness"

Recognize the little things
Once in a while, you’ve got to give yourself a reality check. If you lost your partner, would the little things that get you so riled up matter to you at all? Would you be able to sleep at night without his obnoxious snoring? Could you enjoy a movie without his incessant couch commentary? Would you miss wiping up his coffee mess every morning? Don’t allow yourself to get too preoccupied with the morbid side of this, it’s just a check-up for your jadedness to help you get in touch with what really matters.

Focus on the future
"My husband refuses to assist me with putting the kids to sleep," a woman complained at one of our workshops. To which her husband replied: "That's not true. I have never refused to help you!" "I don't know what's wrong with my wife," he continued. "She's starting to hallucinate and make up things that never happened!"
…To the couple with argument described above I put it this way: "Focusing a discussion on what happened is focusing on the past; focusing on what is the meaning for my partner of what happened is focusing on the future." This change of strategy will not only help resolve a current conflict, but is also sure to bring about a better communication between the two partners and a more positive and harmonious future."
- From "How to Agree to Disagree" by Yaakov Lieder

It is not about winning or losing
"It is our anger that gets us into a fight and it is our ego that keeps us there." People tend to go on fighting about issues even when they are no longer relevant or when their original importance has diminished. They do this for the sake of proving a point and to demonstrate that they are the winners and, more importantly, that the other person is the loser. But often the one who loses the most in the long run is the "victor" himself."
- From "How to Agree to Disagree" by Yaakov Lieder

Be present in the situation
Being present means that you make the conscious effort to tune everything else out. Turn the TV off, shake off the stresses of your work day, and most of all, forget the past. No matter how validated you feel in bringing up the last 100 times your partner did what he did, you will only be forcing a wedge of judgment between you. Your partner won’t feel loved, appreciated or respected; they will feel attacked. The only thing that comes from an attack is submission or counter-attack, neither of which help to strengthen a relationship. Try with all your might to take the current situation as a single occurrence without tying it to a string of offenses.

Those little marital irritations mean less than nothing
“Newspaper advice columns often print letters complaining about a spouse’s snoring or some other small irritation. But whenever those letters appear, they are soon followed up with letters from widows and widowers with statements like these: ‘I used to hate my husband’s snoring, but now that he’s gone, I will give anything to have him lying beside me during the night—snoring and all.” OR they write, “My wife used to nag me about my appearance. But since she died, I can see that no one cares about me the way she did.’ These people have learned that in the end, those little marital irritations mean less than nothing…”
- From "Don’t get mad over little things—they’ll soon pass" by Gerald & Helen Brown

What have we learned? That treating your partner with love and respect will pay off now and later; there is no question about it. Don't let simple confrontations over trivial issues get in the way of the big picture.

Source: http://www.lovingyou.com/content/love/

28 Creative Love Letter Ideas

28 Creative Love Letter Ideas
by Jennifer Good

1. Audio Love Letter
My boyfriend and I are about to be separated again for school. What I did to help us cope with the distance (and the long drives) was find a lot of songs that either expressed my feelings for him, or had special meaning for us (like songs we had laughed about or did karaoke together, etc.). I wrote a "letter" on the CD with all the titles snuck in like "soon I'll be CALLING YOU again to tell you I love you." I made another copy of the CD for myself, and he's wrote a letter on it for me, too. As soon as he saw it he started to choke up!! It was such a great moment and just listening to it makes me feel close to him. I hope it works for you, too!
--submitted by Anonymous

2. Message In A Bottle
When you're in a long distance relationship, all you can rely on is letters, cards, emails, and telephone calls. But my boyfriend came up with a creative way to send me a letter. I got a package from him one day and I found a bottle with a letter inside! It was really cute and melted my heart! Who isn't charmed by received a message in a bottle!
Submitted by Anonymous

3. Dated...
This is not so much an idea, but something that I did for my love. I never believed in love at first sight until I met Micheal. It wasn't quite love at first sight, but following our first date, there were feelings inside me that went far beyond expression. I didn't want to say something that I may regret later, or more likely, something that would scare him away, but I had to let it out or I would simply explode. I sat down and wrote him a letter telling him of my feelings for him. I told him that I thought I was falling in love with him and that I thought he was absolutely wonderful. I put it in an envelope and mailed it to my own home, but with his name on the envelope. It was only a couple weeks later when he expressed that he felt the same feelings about me, and so I pulled the letter out of my drawer and handed it to him. Noticing the post-marked date, he read the letter with complete astonishment, and was totally charmed to know that I had fallen in love with him on our very first date.
Submitted by Megan

4. Secret Admirer
I find that the most romantic gestures take a little time to do. Write a glorious infatuation letter, even better type it to conceal your handwriting. Try to make sure there are no tips to give you away, but put hints in it that would make her think it might be somebody else she knows. Use things you might know about her job, or places she might go, but things other people can also know. You might even scare her by telling her you followed her home. Sign it Your Secret Admirer, and send it to her by mail. Send flowers anonymously. Candy, Poetry, whatever you can think of. I set this up for a month, and when I let on who her secret admirer was, I never felt so gratified. It made her feel good that she thought she was still desirable, and when she found out it was me it made it all the better.
Anonymously

5. A letter hunt
My boyfriend told me that he would leave me a love note on my computer for when I got home. Well, he did just that and more. He sent me running around the house finding these little "clues" to where the real love letter was. After running up and down the stairs, finding clues in the cookie jar, ice cream container, under my pillow, in the bathroom, on the tv, and so on-he led me to the wine cellar in the basement where there sat a dozen roses with yet another "clue" as to where my love letter was. He had taped it to the back of the teddy bear he gave me for x-mas. It was the sweetest thing in the world even though I felt silly running through the house like I did.
Submitted by Anonymous

6. A Single Rose Love Letter
Who says that flowers are only for girls? Guys love them too. I bought a beautiful rose for my boyfriend and plucked almost all of the petals off of it. Attached to each petal, I wrote one sentence on a small piece of paper (rolled up) telling him how much he means to me. I placed the petals face up so he couldn't see the messages. When he opened the box, he saw the left over plucked rose, a small note explaining what's behind each petal, and the petals underneath. I can honestly say that the reciever will cherish that gift forever. :o) My boyfriend did, and right after he confessed his love for me. To this day, he still takes out the dried rose petals to read each note that explains how much I admire and love him.
Submitted by Cathy

7. Say it with their name
Send your partner roses according to how many letters there name has. For example: "manny". You would buy 5 red roses and with each rose you would write a message starting with the first letter of their name. For example M: My love. You will never imagine how much I love you. Then for the second rose you would write: All that I ever have wanted is you and only you. then you would finish until you get to the letter Y. Before writing the note you must underline the first letter of every message. It will spell out his /her name. Then leave it where he/she will see it or just have it sent.
Submitted by Ledy Dejesus

8. Floating love letter
Save the next empty wine bottle, the next time you surprise your partner with that bubble bath, write a love letter and stick it in the bottle, cork it and float it in the bath water : )
by Anonymous

9. Love Notes
I love leaving little love notes around the house, but you want to make sure that you leave them where your love one will find them. Two ways this can be done.
(1) buy magnetic letters (bookstores sell) and place them on the refig., they are bound to go there sooner or later.
(2) use a soap bar and write your romantic message on the bathroom mirror. It won't do damage to mirror and is easy to get off with a little water.
by Nicholas

10. Say it in a BIG way!
The other day I made a large envelope and a large note that said, "I love you in the biggest way!" I even went out on the Internet to download pictures of stamps and blew them up in size. Then I had the apartments where she lives call her to the office to pick up an "important" letter...
Submitted by Mike Johnston

11. Book of Love
This is something I did for my boyfriend, and he loved it! I thought of My ten favorite things about him, then wrote a letter about each one and how much it meant to me. I put all the letters (after I'd spent tons of time perfecting and decorating them) together into a little book, and give it to him for our anniversary. Big success!!
Submitted by Sabrina

12. Letter a day...
If your loved one is going away for vacation or a short trip, take a pink colored notepad and for each day that he's gone write a separate love letter, so that he can read one everyday and be close to you. (I tried it-- and it worked better than I thought!)
Submitted by Loving

13. Love Letter Ideas
I like to send my boyfriend a letter (snail mail) every week. However, I want every letter to be as new and exciting as for him as the first, so I try to be creative. Some ideas:
- send a letter in a bottle (be extra careful with the packaging so it won't break)
-write a letter on the back of a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle, then take it apart and let them put it together
-instead of sending a written letter, send a video cassette of yourself telling everything you want your special person to know.
Submitted by Anonymous

14. Love Letter Ideas
I've found that one way to easily make an ordinary letter or package more special for somebody, is to decorate the package or envelope that you're sending. When one of my loves sent me a teddy bear, she lined the inside of the box with gift wrapping paper, and I still cherish that box to this day. If you've got a letter you wanna decorate, and you're not a good artist, then get some stickers. Too many of us forget about stickers after about grade school, but you can attach a cute or lovable sticker to anything at all, and whatever it touches will become special. A lot of restaurants and stores will have sticker dispensers that have those shiny, metallic stickers, they are superb. But don't just get the envelope, hit the letter itself, and be sure to perfume those pages. Perfumed pages are incredibly sensual. A good way to accomplish this is to put perfume on your wrist before you start writing. As your wrist moves across the paper, it'll be scented. Yet another thing you can do to make a letter more romantic is to write something on the flap, so the first thing your love sees when they open the envelope is an, "I love you" or something else. Before they even begin reading, they'll already be smitten with love.
Submitted by Klancy Kennedy

15. In A Different Language
Write your loved one a long, romantic, handwritten letter in a different language (friends come awfully handy if you don't know that much). Give it to him/her with something you treasure (in my case, he gave me his lucky pen). They'll have a memorable time getting the letter translated, and they'll be inspired to do the same. *smile*
Submitted by Gemma

16. Laundry Surprise
If your loved one does your laundry, write a love letter and leave it in a pocket. On laundry day he/she will find it while checking for forget me's. Make sure to write his/her name on it so he/she will read it, not just toss it in the waste.
Submitted by Anonymous

17. Word Power
When sending your loved one a card or letter, handwrite a word find puzzle on the envelope with the words "I Love You" hidden and ask her to find the hidden phrase. Nice little treat!
Submitted by James

18. A Simple Letter of Love
A simple letter to show them how you feel usually makes them smile. My boyfriend and I are in high school and we were kind of fighting. Well, one day I went all day without seeing him at all. When school got out he was waiting for me by the doors and he handed me a letter and told me to open it. I opened it and all the way down the paper it said, "I love you." Then at the very bottom it said, "Hope this makes up for the times when I didn't say I love you or it didn't seem like I did. I'll always love you a million times more than what you think." I looked up and he kissed me right in front of his friends and sister. It was so sweet! See what a simple letter can do to make things better?
Submitted by Tiffanie Merrill

19. I Love You Blanket
Find out his favorite colors and make him a blanket preferably fleece and on one side using felt letters write something like "cover you in kisses" or "I Love you" or "Wrapping you in my love" or something like that. I'm giving it to my BF for christmas I hope it goes well!
Submitted by Anonymous

20. Rescue Me!
I did this for my boyfriend and I's 1st anniversary, He loved it. OK, I got a big glass bottle with a cork on top. You glue sand on the out side, make sure that it looks like the bottle has been laying on the sand for a very long time. and glue shells,sea weed etc. Then some how get some one to draw you. (make sure you like) Then write a nice letter about how you two got together and how you feel now. Then roll the papers up and place then in the bottle. Oh an extra tip.. drop some perfume on the cork. Enjoy!
Submitted by Emily Aguilar

21. A Letter To Remember
Before your wedding write a letter to your husband to be and have them write one to you. Write about anything. But, focus on your relationship with that person. Then put both letters in a safe deposit box. On your 25th anniversary exchange letters that you wrote to each other.
Submitted by stacy nelson

22. A Ransom Note
Champagne, games, and roses are nice but can get very boring after a while. Instead, get creative and do something off the wall. My girlfriend has this stuffed animal that she adores and keeps on her bed. So I decided to kidnap the stuffed animal making a ransom note from cutting letters out of the news paper.In the letter it said " give me a McDonalds cheeseburger and a six pack of beer or your stuffed pig is pork." Then I took a picture of it on a plate with an apple by it and a fork and knife by the edge of the plate. I then placed the ransom letter and picture on her door. Of course when she saw it she new it was me but we had a fun time with it. She would make playful and sarcastic comments and of course I played back. Needless to say I gave the stuffed animal back making myself look like the hero and she rewarded me with a nite of love. However, your mate must have a good sense of hummor or you might spend the nite on the couch.
Submitted by brian

23. Candy Bar Card
For my boyfriend's birthday, I got a big poster board and I wrote him a letter using candy bars. It said things like you're better than the Three Musketeers, and meet me at 5th Avenue so I can see your Whatchamacalit. Then at the end I put little hugs and kisses. He absolutely loved it and still has it.
Submitted by carrie lynn

24. Covered In Love
Write a surprise love letter to your significant other on a bed sheet (the one you use to cover up with).
Submitted by Sarah

25. Butterflies
I was getting ready to go out with an old girlfriend I had not seen in five years. I was waiting for her to show up at my apartment and was very nervous. When she arrived I couldn't believe how beautiful she was, more than I had remembered. She looked wonderful. Anyway we had a spectacular evening of dinner and dancing. After she left that evening I couldn't stop thinking about her so I decided send her a letter the following week. The letter had small stickers of butterflies I had placed all over it with a message that read "These are the butterflies you gave me last Friday when I heard you walking up the steps to my apartment. I thought you might like them back." She absolutely loved it!!
Submitted by Anonymous

26. An Overlooked I Love You
Once, when my boyfriend and I were having a rough time on a special day, I cut out nine small paper hearts, wrote one letter of "I LOVE YOU!" on each, and colored them pink and red. I put the hearts in an envelope with a sheet of paper. On the paper I had made outlines of the hearts (from when I colored them) with nine overlooked reasons why I love him, one in each.
Submitted by Anonymous

27. Message In A Bottle
For our one year anniversary, I wanted to do something special for my boyfriend, but I wasn't sure what to do. Then, while shopping at a craft store, I came upon a beautiful, blue bottle with a cork. Inspired by the recent movie, "Message in a Bottle", I wrote my boyfriend a three page letter reviewing the past year, and expressing my everlasting love for him. Then I tied the letter with a ribbon, put it in the bottle, put the cork in tightly, and then dated it. When I give it to him, he won't be allowed to open it...he will have to wait until the following year. A year later, as he opens the bottle from the previous year, he will be presented with another message in a bottle. Hopefully, we will be together long enough so that he will eventually have many, many bottles!! :)
Submitted by Anonymous

28. Being There For Your Love!
Write your love a love letter using kiddie stickers that say things like "terrific" or "top notch" or the like. It's a colorful way to spice up an ordinary love letter and will be sure to make his/her day that you put in the extra time.
(submitted by Amy)